I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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