i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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