my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize