Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
