Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
