I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
