What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
