Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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