you traded sex for a burrito?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize