Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
