So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
