So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
