He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
