I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
