It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
