I met the friendliest cop last night
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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