in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
