Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Randomize