Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
