There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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