For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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