My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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