I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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