we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
