you win again, gameday.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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