you didnt know i had herpes?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize