i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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