Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize