ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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