4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
