Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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