What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
