I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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