saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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