You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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