she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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