I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
