I want to make a zoo with you.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize