I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
