I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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