So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
