i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
