Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
