On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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