I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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