You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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