the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
