There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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