Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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