If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
