She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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