She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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