Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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