My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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