you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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