Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
