The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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