Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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