Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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