I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
